girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
