just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
