i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
