i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
