You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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