there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
