Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
