my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
