I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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