I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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