I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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