Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think my vagina is haunted
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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