I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
