Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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