Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
