We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
