And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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