i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
