Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
