tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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