Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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