he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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