Have you finally orgasmed yet?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
