i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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