I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
