6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
