i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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