You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
