What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
