Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
