remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
