Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
