The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
