Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
