I could make wine with my vomit
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
