so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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