Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I take back everything I said about communal showers
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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