trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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