I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
