My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
