He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
