I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
