He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
