It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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