I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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