You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
