i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
