don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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