I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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