Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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