I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
