4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
