Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
ok first of all what the fuck
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
