he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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