I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
